Fish Sticks and Dicks

OK ladies… I typically would refrain from writing about something as gross as this, but I feel that it is appropriate because so many fucking men claim that women smell of fish. I can’t stand when men say that about our vagina!!!

Fuck you boys! Like your balls don’t smell, but we never say anything. It’s such an excuse for them to not go down on us after they have cum in two minutes and they say, “I’m just too tired to reciprocate and you just don’t smell right!!!!”

In my opinion, it is just an excuse because they are incompetent in many ways… Lazy!!!

I was getting a pedicure the other day and the women that was painting my lovely toes started talking about embarrassing dating stories. I asked what was her top three and this story to follow was the inspiration of this blog post.

Her night started out at L’Artusi, a hot spot in the West Village that has hot bartenders, an amazing wine list and very rich men sitting at the bar with wedding band tan lines…. Hmmmm???

Anyway, it was my friends first date with a lawyer. It was a blind date and as soon as he walked in, she was in love. Italian, great hair, amazing smile and a money clip that was full of Franklin’s….


So we proceeded to order. We had some expensive wine and ordered some fish for dinner. When the meal came, I was overwhelmed by the smell of the fish. We were sitting at the bar by the kitchen, so I assumed that the overwhelming scent was coming for the grill….

When our fish stick appetizers arrived, owe gobbled them down and then the plates were taken away.

10 minutes passed and the fish smell was still all around me. I smelled my wine thinking the red wine was having a chemical reaction to the dish washing fluid???

“Check please,” John said.

“Thank god,” I said. “This fucking restaurant smells!!!”

So John has driver pick us up and we end up at the Soho Hotel for a romantic sex romp.

We start kissing and I start to unbuckle his pants to reveal a man hung like horse. My eyes bulged with excitement, but suddenly started to water as this gas from his boxers surfaced to what felt like Pepper Spray!!!!

Oh my god, the fish smell was back!!!!

I knelt down on my knees to give him an after dinner blow job(all men expect that) and almost vomited as his dick smelled like and old freeze-dried vandicamp fish stick!!

I jumped up and said you need to wash your dick!!! It so smelly!

He told me to fuck off bitch and threw me out of the house.


What a fish cock!!!!

Anyway, ladies… Let’s this me a reminder… We are not the only fish swimming in the pond…

Dont ever let those men say that we smell, one never knows what lays beneath the trouser abyss!

Ms. Vandi Camp


Can I get some “Kleenex Sex?”

Ok fans…

This is a good story. I just heard this last weekend after attending a crazy after hours in the city. My girlfriend and I went to coffee the next day and I could hardly wait to write her story.

My friend’s recap…

“Oh my god, I’m so horny. What is wrong with me, seriously? I so friggin horny. It is afternoon and all I’m thinking about is SEX. Why can’t I be like a normal gal and go to brunch with all my girlfriends and get off shopping in Soho? ”

I have not had sex in 10 days. For me, being the dog bitch that I am, that’s like 10 years!

Typically, I need sex 3 times a week
( with different men) or I become a royal bitch.

“What am i going to do?”

I look around my closet size room eyeing everything that is purple…actually purple latex. I see the purple rabbit penis from the corner of my wired eye and shriek with perverted pleasure.

“Yes, I found it!”

Hah. I knew it was somewhere in my room. I have not masturbated in a month, so my clothes had started to pile on top of it.

I layed down and turned the purple Roger Rabbit on. It made a sound as if a car was running out of gas. I turned it on again and off again a couple of times.

“Fuck! Batteries dead. Fuck!”

I start scrolling through my phone with potential “One Day Stands.”

That’s right, screw the one night stands (literally). I’m all about having sex in the day. After fucking in the day, I have a higher potential of getting a free dinner after.

Depending on my performance, the better the dinner. Don’t judge me please.

Last Satutday, I had a one day stand with my “sexy wonton” weekend boyfriend. He’s a hot Asian bartender in the lower east side.

I gave him the world’s best blow job and I ended up with unlimited egg drop soup and some tasty pad Thai.

This is a good life, I thought to myself. Good sex = a free late brunch or dinner. And on my salary, I needed it!

Anyway, after my sexy wonton excursion, I got invited to go to Mr. H, the hot new club in the Mondrian Hotel in Soho.

I was so excited. I needed this! Fresh Pad Thai I thought to myself!

I prowled around the club and ran into who I thought was Al Gore’s son.

He was all over me. I’m blonde, big boobs and all American girl.

I’m not trying to sound narcissistic, but men love me. I usually troll the city with my best friend in the city, she is a red head, super cute and is a mix between Jennifer Anniston and Jenny McCarthy ( only they were red heads). When we go out, we attract all sorts.

Al Gore’s son seemed to like the Blonde women!!

OK, so I’m fucking rambling.

Al came up to me and said,”You are so hot, can I take you home?”

“Sure,” I said, “but what are you going to do for me?”

Al responded “More than you can handle.”

Oohhhh, game on!

We left the club and headed to my apartment in the East Village.

He followed me up my exhausting 5th floor quad building walk up and he ripped off all my clothes, starting with my dress, then eating me out as he pulled off my g-string.

We started to fuck on my bed and it was amazing, but I had my eyes closed.

I forgot to mention he looked like the son from one of the actors from the old movies from “Revenge of the Nerds.”

Not cute. But I was desperate.

He was about to cum and then right before he was going to ejaculate he pulled out, grabbed his cock and ran into the bathroom!


What the fuck was he doing????

Well, he ran into the bathroom to ejaculte into a god damn kleen-ex.

I heard the toilet flush and then he came back and said that was the best ever and couldn’t wait to fuck again.


I told him to leave and sent him on his way with a box of “Kleen-sex” and told him that if he ever wants to date or have a one day stand again, leave the kleenex out of it and grab some god damn ribbed condoms!!!

Talk about clean republican sex!!!

Oh well, there are many more salmon in the Atlantic!

Ms. Kleenex-Sex Anonymous