What the hell did I do? The last thing I remember, I popped a little white Ambien after my plane took off that was headed to London.
I woke up with just 45 minutes left of the flight. My mouth was exceptionally dry with a strange taste in it.
I needed water.
I looked at the seat in front of me and in the pockets were 2 empty vodka bottles, the little ones.
I did NOT remember drinking those.
I grabbed both of the bottles to inspect them as if I was trying to uncover an obvious clue.
Hmm. Strange, I still don’t remember anything.
I am sure I would have been arrested and the plane would have returned to JFK if I done anything crazy….Right?
The captain came on the intercom and said that we would be landing soon and to fasten your seat belt.
I reached down just as a safety precaution to check that my seat belt was fastened even though I knew I had not moved since we took off.
What the hell? I was actually sitting on my seat belt.
Weird, I thought. I don’t remember getting up. I don’t remember drinking those vodka bottles. I don’t remember anything!!!
The flight was a redeye to Heathrow and I was totally prepared for the flight. Slippers, eye mask, that shit you spray in your mouth to fall asleep and the “The Ambien.”
I am calling it “The Ambien” because it turned out to play a big part in this story I am about to tell you.
Getting back to my seat belt….
I thought it was weird that I was sitting on it. I then noticed that my jeans were unzipped. WHOA!! WAIT! WHAT?
Beads of perspiration stared to form on my upper lip. My heart began to race. The guy next to me looked uncomfortable. I started pounding, not tapping my forehead with my three fingers again and again.
What the fuck? Why in God’s name are my jeans unzipped?
For a couple of minutes, I searched my data bank trying to surface some memory of the flight.
Nothing. Zero recollection.
I came to the scary conclusion, that not only did I have some drinks, I went to the bathroom and forgot to zip my jeans back up.
Sure, that is what happened.
I zipped my jeans back up stealthy under the tray and leaned back in the chair. I just wanted to get off the plane. I turned to look down the aisle to see how far the bathroom was and it was only 10 rows back.
OK, that’s not so bad. I only embarrassed myself within those 10 rows.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed this short red headed man smiling at me, rather drueling. Let’s call him “the red headed hobbit.” I think he was all but 5’4. I dare say his feet barely touched the floor of the plane.
I could see the whites of his eyes and the foam on the corners of his mouth. He looked like he was just about to pounce on his prey. Me.
What a fucking weirdo. Ew.
The captain came on again and said last call for the restroom. I thought I would show the passengers behind me that I am not a total freakshow by getting up and going to the restroom sober and lucid.
I was in there only but 10 seconds and I heard a little knock on the door. Tap tap tap… tap tap tap..
“Hello” I said. “SOMEONE is in here now!!! HELLO!”
I suddenly had a flash back of my Grandma. She used to say that to me when I would run and try to unlock the door anytime anyone went to the bathroom.
The voice said “Tammy it’s me. Wanna go again real quick?
WHAT??? The hobbit did NOT just say that!!
My real name is Sarah. Why is this person calling me Tammy? Tammy is/was my alter ego. I used to say I was Tammy when I went out on the town with friends in NYC totally wasted and displaying 20 year old obnoxious behavior. Tammy did very stupid things. Tammy was a little slutbag.
Wanna go again??? OMG – What did Tammy do now?
I zipped up my pants and slowly opened the door.
Suddenly his hobbit like hand came in between the door. He somehow popped into the 2x2x2 bathroom and unzipped his pants.
Fuck me. Fuck me. And Fuck me.
I fucking fucked this guy and don’t remember. I pushed him out of the bathroom and ran back to my seat.
With minutes left to land, I swore I would never ever take another ambien again.
I kept mumbling to myself, “Must keep “Tammy” locked up forever!!